I am well aware of the fact that keeping a list of my Fecebook status updates since 16 October, 2008 makes me a complete pampas ass. I present them to you now for your entertainment.
Chad just used the creepy public restroom outside his office. While he was using the urinal the person in the stall next to him asked in an almost inaudible tone, “Sir, (INSERT long pause) would you like to?” He did not finish the question. Do you think that he was going to ask, “Sir would you like to give me directions to the nearest masturbatarium?” (Tue, 20 Jul 2010 18:01:41 GMT)
Chad would prefer Lucile Vanderbilt not sleep in the laundry basket containing freshly folded garment – yet she does. (Tue, 20 Jul 2010 13:20:37 GMT)
Chad would like everyone in NorthCenter to know what a crapfest the Piggery is. Mediocre does not begin to describe the help or the food. Best quote from the dirty girl server, “I grabbed you some butter and put it in my pocket, but gave it to someone else - sorry.” (Mon, 19 Jul 2010 14:26:14 GMT)
Chad thinks that he may wear his rubber assless chaps to the gallery opening tomorrow evening. It’s that or his corduroy culottes. (Thu, 15 Jul 2010 12:57:13 GMT)
Chad had a memory surface during his commute; during little league tryouts he was hit in the ass three times by the pitching machine – the skin tight white baseball pants may have worsened the bruising. (Wed, 14 Jul 2010 12:07:48 GMT)
Chad has officially tendered his resignation with the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics – starts work at Rush University Medical Center next month – starts his MFA program at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago in September. (Tue, 13 Jul 2010 13:52:43 GMT)
Chad swipes dentures from bedside tables while unsuspecting retirement community residents sleep. (Mon, 12 Jul 2010 16:34:22 GMT)
Chad is giddy at just the thought of eating Sushi with the Red Head tonight. Watch out lady, the chubb is on his way. (Thu, 08 Jul 2010 15:52:45 GMT)
Chad would like to share his Grandpa Jack’s Sunday morning hangover cure; go down to the local hardware store’s paint department, wait in line and when it’s your turn stick your head into the paint mixer. He said that it worked like a charm and he was never late to Sunday mass. (Wed, 07 Jul 2010 14:19:14 GMT)
Chad needs one of those creepy mad scientist types to invent a method in which he can produce his source of superpowers without all the hassle (his powers come from the tears of others). (Tue, 06 Jul 2010 16:57:58 GMT)
Chad is celebrating this, the day in which our Nation was born at work. God Bless ‘Merika and the internet. (Mon, 05 Jul 2010 17:36:30 GMT)
Chad is perturbed about two items; his dogs are afraid of the Independence Day fireworks making them communists, the Chicago fireworks’ extravaganza was synced to some grand tunes – tunes that were missing one Mr. Bruce Springsteen – the man shits American flags for Pete’s sake! (Mon, 05 Jul 2010 02:41:17 GMT)
Chad would like to thank that Lexington drunk with an itchy trigger finger for allowing him to enjoy Allen House Chicago Summer Shandy in celebration of ‘Merika. (Sat, 03 Jul 2010 15:55:23 GMT)
Chad loves watching Wipeout with the Red Head, nothing better than people ramming their faces into cushioned posts. (Sat, 03 Jul 2010 03:07:29 GMT)
Chad is ready to blow a finger or two off this weekend to celebrate the birth of this fine nation. (Thu, 01 Jul 2010 13:05:04 GMT)
Chad passed out at 2015 last night and woke up to the sound of an annoying bird trying to break through the screen with fists full of chapstick around 0615. (Wed, 30 Jun 2010 13:17:29 GMT)
Chad gives his open door policy a second guess each and every time the corduroy lady with tiny legs mixed with a short gate swishes by. Good lord woman – place a less friction prone fabric between those thighs. (Tue, 29 Jun 2010 20:45:20 GMT)
Chad and Lucile Vanderbilt are packed and ready to depart for Chicago, making our total distance traveled to see the Red Head 5,664 miles (the distance from Iowa to Moscow, Russia). (Fri, 25 Jun 2010 13:42:53 GMT)
Chad would like to thank the foot washing physician for an encore performance in the men’s room sink this morning. Brava! Brava my good doctor! (Thu, 24 Jun 2010 14:27:37 GMT)
Chad spent a nauseous day in bed and is just now waking, what did he miss? (Wed, 23 Jun 2010 22:38:24 GMT)
Chad is attempting to chisel a profile of Abraham Lincoln into his Rushmore sized cheek zit. (Tue, 22 Jun 2010 14:20:54 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to the impending 50 m.p.h. winds that will whip around his chubby culotte clad body this afternoon. (Fri, 18 Jun 2010 15:30:25 GMT)
Chad put the finishing touches on his beaver wheels, Allen House Chicago is now off the grid and completely self-sustaining. Go Green! (Thu, 17 Jun 2010 13:18:00 GMT)
Chad dug through his dresser drawers this morning, pulled out a pair of the Red Head’s cashmere socks, put them on his hands and chased Lucile Vanderbilt around the house. (Wed, 16 Jun 2010 14:25:34 GMT)
Chad wants nothing more than to eat beef Wellington with the Red Head while strolling through Lincoln Square on a tandem bike with a basket full of Cuckoos. (Tue, 15 Jun 2010 15:04:31 GMT)
Chad is quite certain that vuvuzelas are made from harvested demon horns. (Mon, 14 Jun 2010 13:34:27 GMT)
Chad booked his first solo show tonight for December, 2010. This is great for three reasons: he doesn't sweat as much in winter, he can wear a wool fidora and it's an EFFING solo exhibit. Stay tuned for details. (Sat, 12 Jun 2010 05:10:06 GMT)
Chad has butterflies taking flight from his gullet with capsules of nervous energy in tow. (Fri, 11 Jun 2010 14:43:18 GMT)
Chad punctured holes through two #10 cans of creamed corn, fished rope in and out of the holes and used the cans as stilts – lifting them via creamed rope with each step. Clop – clop. (Thu, 10 Jun 2010 04:59:32 GMT)
Chad dreamt that his beard crawled three inches up his face so that his mustache was a uni-brow and the beard fit snug under his nose like a strap to hold his hair on in the wind of Chicago. (Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:44:51 GMT)
Chad withdrew all of his money from the credit union, stuffed it into Ziploc baggies and buried all of it in five gallon buckets of fermenting sauerkraut. (Tue, 08 Jun 2010 13:30:56 GMT)
Chad went to bed in Chicago and woke in Iowa. He is trying to remember what he drank yesterday. (Mon, 07 Jun 2010 18:10:46 GMT)
Chad just bought a bumper sticker - "New COUCH, New CHAIR - TUESDAY"! (Sat, 05 Jun 2010 23:32:19 GMT)
Chad uses the weirdest bathroom at work; he passed a guy who walked in eating a doughnut – talking to himself upon urinal approach. (Fri, 04 Jun 2010 19:31:09 GMT)
Chad wants nothing more than to be in bed drinking his triple grande soy latte while watching CBS Sunday Morning with the red head ( Julie Allen ). (Fri, 04 Jun 2010 14:15:35 GMT)
Chad just gave directions to a guy drinking straight from a ½ gallon carton of chocolate milk wearing an alcohol monitor on his ankle. This hospital sure brings in the best of the best. (Thu, 03 Jun 2010 20:19:18 GMT)
Chad will be purchasing a couch with the red head (Julie Allen) this weekend, no more tingle bottom from sitting on the hardwood. (Thu, 03 Jun 2010 15:17:44 GMT)
Chad would like to thank Queen Elizabeth II for knighting him while he was naked in his dream last night. God Save the Queen. (Wed, 02 Jun 2010 15:19:06 GMT)
Chad is creeped out by sinkholes. (Tue, 01 Jun 2010 19:33:32 GMT)
Chad and his work have been accepted into three juried shows as of this morning. Whoever said that hoarding was a bad thing can kiss this sun dappled ass. (Tue, 01 Jun 2010 15:38:29 GMT)
Chad spent the afternoon hunting for dragonflies at Weed Park in Muscatine with his nephew (Isaiah Allen). Summer is officially here. (Mon, 31 May 2010 23:14:21 GMT)
Chad has been informed by the local constable that a sexy redhead ( Julie Allen ) has been spotted this side of the Mississippi with a racist cocker spaniel (Sir Winston Woo). (Thu, 27 May 2010 14:13:52 GMT)
Chad received a call from the City of Chicago this morning asking him if he would be driving his average 8 hours on I-88 this weekend. For the first time in nearly eight weeks he was able to answer, “NO – the red head is coming to Iowa!” (Wed, 26 May 2010 16:04:56 GMT)
Chad climbed into an extra bulky zebra mascot costume and chased people through the alleys of Iowa City today on his lunch break. (Tue, 25 May 2010 20:27:21 GMT)
Chad just witnessed a doctor washing his bare feet in the sink of a public bathroom at the University of Iowa Hospital. (Mon, 24 May 2010 20:51:42 GMT)
Chad wants to be in Iowa City as much as he wants to be smacked in the buffalo head with a burlap sack that was soaked in tuna brine and filled with pennies. Good day sir! (Mon, 24 May 2010 14:17:57 GMT)
Chad is off to Chicago. (Fri, 21 May 2010 20:56:45 GMT)
Chad just watched a crow eat a half-dead, still flapping, pigeon. (Fri, 21 May 2010 14:28:01 GMT)
Chad has a secret room upstairs. Like Letterman. (Fri, 21 May 2010 02:57:02 GMT)
Chad is job hunting for any position in a Chicago haberdashery, distillery, countinghouse, foundation, repository, livery stable, brewery, museum, bodega, atelier, slaughter house or cooper shop. Assistance in said hunt is greatly appreciated and will be handsomely rewarded. (Thu, 20 May 2010 15:14:34 GMT)
Chad feels as if Mary Todd Lincoln is holding a séance in his head. (Wed, 19 May 2010 15:43:28 GMT)
Chad heard that Wal-Mart is giving away free sweatpants to the first 15,000 people who buy pickled pigs feet by noon today. (Thu, 13 May 2010 13:14:20 GMT)
Chad would rather hammer another hole into his head with a rock than be at work today. Why does Friday always take so effing long to show its fine ass? (Wed, 12 May 2010 17:51:30 GMT)
Chad walked into work this morning behind a guy in capris jeans with black tube socks and black sneakers. (Tue, 11 May 2010 13:05:42 GMT)
Chad thinks that Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is Kevin James' long lost twin tranny. (Mon, 10 May 2010 14:49:36 GMT)
Chad is filling burlap sacks with prairie dogs and shipping them back to North Dakota. He was totally duped into buying them off eBay as the “Perfect Pets”. The only thing perfect about them was how they ripped the shit out of his couch. (Mon, 10 May 2010 13:38:16 GMT)
Chad would like to wish all of his mother-type friends on the old social network a happy day in celebration of your ability to put up with so much crap: Julie Allen Roxanna Wagner-parecki Kimberly Chamberlin Pam Chamberlin Dorothy Rose Allen and the other 40 on his firend list. (Sun, 09 May 2010 14:03:38 GMT)
Chad hosted yet another successful garage sale at Castle Parecki, doubling his goal and selling enough to buy a pygmy goat for Allen House Chicago. His Uncle Gary Derifield thinks that he needs to sell used cars at the rate he was peddling shit today. (Sat, 08 May 2010 18:44:01 GMT)
Chad cannot believe how much has already sold from the garage sale before the damn thing even opens on Saturday. Remember that if you leave your children unattended at the sale they WILL be sent home with a kitten and or old sock filled with dog crap. Good Day! (Fri, 07 May 2010 13:26:38 GMT)
Chad is putting his haggling boots on in preparation for his garage sale at Castle Parecki in Denver, IA this weekend. Come on out to Chubby Chad’s Cornucopia of Really Good Shit for Sale. The presale begins at 1800 Friday night. (Wed, 05 May 2010 12:38:44 GMT)
Chad is happy to say that Allen House Williamsburg is NO more, it was a swell 23 months. A rotund thank you to Mom, Carol, Julie, Glenda, Justin and Lucile Vanderbilt. (Fri, 30 Apr 2010 07:22:32 GMT)
Chad is excited about the closing of Allen House Williamsburg tomorrow. Now only if he could get someone to unload and haul all of the garage sale shit from Allen House Williamsburg to Castle Parecki in Denver, IA. He would not wish a move of this magnitude upon his arch nemesis the Cheeseburger Chub. (Thu, 29 Apr 2010 13:34:01 GMT)
Chad is burning both ends of the whale fat; emptying the last bits of rubbish from Allen House, trying to keep Lucile Vanderbilt out of the scotch, not to making eye contact with the neighbors, failing miserably at feigning interest when said neighbors descend for a farewell hug, living on Chicken Pot Pies and Miller Lite. (Wed, 28 Apr 2010 13:02:20 GMT)
Chad is spending his four day weekend in Chicago with Margot in one arm and a pint of beer in the other. (Tue, 27 Apr 2010 20:03:30 GMT)
Chad would like to move to Chicago with his wife. (Tue, 27 Apr 2010 17:26:13 GMT)
Chad busted out his entire collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and He-Man action figures. Who knew that being the weird kid who kept all of his toys organized in Ziploc baggies would turn out to be such an effing awesome uncle? P.S. There were also several hundred Micro Machines involved in the madness. (Mon, 26 Apr 2010 13:22:56 GMT)
Chad wants to be at work like he wants to be asphyxiated in a #10 can of butterscotch pudding. (Fri, 23 Apr 2010 13:43:46 GMT)
Chad would like to remind everyone that the day in which we celebrate our womb of origin is coming up. Feel free to purchase gifts from backoffmustache.com. (Fri, 23 Apr 2010 03:13:54 GMT)
Chad thinks that his dog stuck her tongue in his mouth while he was sleeping, because he woke up with breath that could have anesthetized a Shetland pony. (Thu, 22 Apr 2010 13:42:01 GMT)
Chad would like to list all of yesterday’s events: his Honda was the 2nd car in a five car pile up, during the accident his coffee splashed onto his shirt, he knocked his second coffee over onto his desk, repairs to the car in Chicago will run $300 (approximately $190 more than it is worth) and he fell down the hill leading to the fire pit while destroying all financial documents linking Allen House to the Goldman Sachs. (Wed, 21 Apr 2010 14:29:45 GMT)
Chad was rear-ended in a five car accident this morning and spilt his mother effing coffee, at least it was not a Monday morning. (Tue, 20 Apr 2010 14:22:31 GMT)
Chad is proud to announce that Allen House Chicago is booking quickly: May is booked solid, a couple weekends are left in June, the 1st, 2nd & 3rd weekends in July are open and sprinklings of dates in August are available. Remember that Allen House is a bed and breakfast that is free of charge – other than being polite enough to book at least three weeks in advance. Updated brochures will be in the mail next month. (Mon, 19 Apr 2010 13:35:30 GMT)
Chad woke up to Lucile Vanderbilt curled up in the space behind his knees when they are bent. (Mon, 19 Apr 2010 13:25:02 GMT)
Chad sold the Washer and Dryer to a lovely lady from Waverly, so now it is just down to the brand new padded hammock and stand $200, 1y.o. Troy Bilt lawnmower with Honda engine and bagger $175, a microfiber 2-peice sectional sofa $475 and plenty of empty boxes. (Fri, 16 Apr 2010 15:32:41 GMT)
Chad is selling the following items; 2y.o. Whirlpool Duet Front Load Washer / Dryer with the ability to stack, a brand new padded hammock and stand, 1y.o. Troy Bilt lawnmower with a Honda engine and bagger, a microfiber 2-peice sectional sofa and plenty of empty boxes. (Fri, 16 Apr 2010 02:41:25 GMT)
Chad would like to welcome SPRING to Williamsburg, especially the swarm of mosquitoes that ate him alive while mowing the lawn last night. (Thu, 15 Apr 2010 13:22:50 GMT)
Chad woke this morning feeling as if a lumberjack had slapped the hell out of him for eating his hotcakes, sleeping with his lady all the while riding his ox. Damn lumberjacks. (Fri, 09 Apr 2010 14:45:29 GMT)
Chad spent thirty minutes this morning looking for his Honda keys; transferred kitchen garbage form one bag to another, burrowed through the hamper, fished through Lucile Vanderbilt’s back garden droppings with a stick, dug into his belly button with a wire coat hanger, emptied two boxes of cereal only to find them in the front door. (Thu, 08 Apr 2010 14:05:06 GMT)
Chad stuffed three pounds of processed deer meat down Lucile Vanderbilt’s gullet last night and is quite certain that she can now go from “sitting” to “down” with the twitch of a finger. (Wed, 07 Apr 2010 16:21:04 GMT)
Chad took a flexeril, went to bed at 2100 and slept like a baby – but woke up naked at the top of his hibiscus tree in the dinning room. (Tue, 06 Apr 2010 13:03:22 GMT)
Chad unloaded a litle over 100 Facebook "friends" and feels like a million bucks, now if only the Cubs would kick come Atlanta ass. (Mon, 05 Apr 2010 20:43:44 GMT)
Chad has opening day fuzziness in his belly and is looking forward to weekday afternoon games this season in the newly renovated Wrigley. Good luck fellas. (Mon, 05 Apr 2010 16:50:04 GMT)
Chad is not looking forward to his last day with the BHS bitches. (Thu, 01 Apr 2010 15:51:17 GMT)
Chad has been making lists all morning; tin foil, triple soy latte crème, white dog poop in the front garden, garish drapes, a wine cork filled lock box, hand sanitizer, the Ottoman Empire’s demise, nipples and nail clippings. (Wed, 31 Mar 2010 13:21:37 GMT)
Chad Status quote compliments of Patrick Harvey who wtole from Rebecca Bandy: "Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus." - John Fugelsang (Wed, 31 Mar 2010 00:55:49 GMT)
Chad is suffering from a Capgras delusion. (Tue, 30 Mar 2010 16:06:56 GMT)
Chad thinks that if it weren't for that little Lucious fella we would have done just a tad bit better - and he would care a bit more if he were not drunk and packing the house up. (Sat, 27 Mar 2010 03:45:23 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to seeing a bunch of MSU losers cry tears that only losers can cry. There is nothing better than a bunch of green and white douche bags upset. (Fri, 26 Mar 2010 12:35:08 GMT)
Chad would like to know if anyone else’s tonsils feel as if tiny people are shaving them down with wood rasps. (Tue, 23 Mar 2010 12:18:10 GMT)
Chad enjoys drinking the hypocritical tears of rotten republican douche bags – it’s the source of his superpowers. (Mon, 22 Mar 2010 15:16:04 GMT)
Chad has enjoyed a splendid morning; snorted a fistful of minced clovers, drank a pint of 1938 Linkwood Whiskey, danced a naked jig and tossed darts at a photo of Roisin Hughes . Happy Day of Saint Patrick everyone. P.S. Only two days until the Washington, D.C. Marathon. (Wed, 17 Mar 2010 13:21:27 GMT)
Chad feels like a hooker being prodded by rusty heroin needles. It has nothing to do with being loose you filthy animals. (Mon, 15 Mar 2010 12:25:50 GMT)
Chad has a tote bag filled to the brim with mustaches, four red BINGO dabbers, a pair of aviator glasses, three sticks of venison jerky and a one-way ticket to Delaware. (Fri, 12 Mar 2010 21:11:21 GMT)
Chad woke up this morning to take what he thought was a Saturday morning pee, but quickly realized that it was just another disappointing weekday. (Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:55:04 GMT)
Chad put the finishing touches on BackOffMustache.com, his portfolio / art website. Enjoy you fools, ENJOY. Be sure to email him any mistakes that you find. (Tue, 09 Mar 2010 01:21:46 GMT)
Chad just received official word that he and the red head are going on the White House tour next week. (Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:11:05 GMT)
Chad thinks that Mondays feel just as bad as pulling fish scales from between your teeth and gums with rusted pliers. (Mon, 08 Mar 2010 14:57:42 GMT)
Chad + La Fin du Monde + Moroccan tagine (polenta + handjob) / (chocolate ice cream + Modern Family) = spectacular night last night. (Fri, 05 Mar 2010 13:33:25 GMT)
Chad feels like hopping into a 50 gallon barrel of butterscotch pudding, rolling in a pile of dryer lint and giving people on the street hugs of appreciation. (Thu, 04 Mar 2010 13:26:17 GMT)
Chad just ran 20 miles without chaffing, wheezing, passing out or flashing a neighbor. Only fourteen days until Washington, D.C. (Thu, 04 Mar 2010 04:52:09 GMT)
Chad has been feverously working on his website that will be launched on Friday. Hurray for fat artists and their narcissistic need to have websites about themselves! (Wed, 03 Mar 2010 16:02:42 GMT)
Chad Dearest Ro, It tickles the deepest cockles of my tuna to know that you are making false commitments to see me let alone hit on my lover the next time your lazy ass finds its way to Iowa. By the blessings of baby Jesus we will have the honor of seeing your moon-pie, but will not hold our breath. Best, Chad Allen (Tue, 02 Mar 2010 22:13:33 GMT)
Chad wishes that he was with his wife and her lover rather than being trapped under this pile of crumbling excrement. (Tue, 02 Mar 2010 18:50:43 GMT)
Chad is still recovering from the bacon overload that he experienced Saturday in Des Moines, and is looking forward to BaconFest 2011. (Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:53:39 GMT)
Chad declined a piece of cake that this lady brought to work today due to his phobia of food being prepared in people’s kitchen in which he has not been. Who in the hell knows whether their cat jumps upon the counter after digging in the litter box? – or – Whether or not they cook in the nude with a high probability of pubic hair in the batter. (Fri, 26 Feb 2010 16:19:58 GMT)
Chad donned a panda bear mascot costume and beat an effigy of Sarah Palin with bamboo canes in his front garden last evening. (Thu, 25 Feb 2010 16:12:52 GMT)
Chad enjoys the lovely marriage of patchouli stink and over-ripened honey crisp apples. (Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:27:23 GMT)
Chad loves his Sunday mornings covered in bacon grease and toast leavens. (Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:26:44 GMT)
Chad is enjoying some hot water infused with beans while watching his fat neighbors haul the seventh truckload of firewood out of their basement window. Who keeps a forest’s worth of wood and two tons of sugar in their basement? The Jellies - that's who! (Sat, 20 Feb 2010 18:59:38 GMT)
Chad just shaved his chest, sprinkled the hair onto a glue pad and nailed it to a fence post to keep the beavers at bay. (Fri, 19 Feb 2010 21:34:02 GMT)
Chad feels likes he scarfed down a dozen nursing home cookies (sugar cookies with so much butter and lard in them that only people in a nursing home close to the edge should eat them) and then was beat down with a dirty sock full of ball bearings – it’s going to be a great day. (Fri, 19 Feb 2010 13:30:00 GMT)
Chad is eating a bowl of soggy Cheerios after his four mile run before 7am and is looking forward to his 18 mile run on Sunday. (Thu, 18 Feb 2010 13:00:27 GMT)
Chad enjoys sweeping up all of the Allen House dust bunnies and tossing them along with rancid chicken livers into a five gallon bucket of water, placing said bucket on the deck, letting said contents freeze solid and then sliding the dusty-liversicle out into the backseat of a neighbor’s unlocked car. Hurray for the drive-by dusty-liversicle. (Tue, 16 Feb 2010 18:46:45 GMT)
Chad is enjoying his Triple Karmeliet while his neighbor stares at his fine bare ass through the living room window. Hey everybody. (Fri, 12 Feb 2010 02:50:06 GMT)
Chad was addressed as “the devil in an argyle sweater” by a coworker. (Thu, 11 Feb 2010 19:17:43 GMT)
Chad is ready to jump in a ramshackle handsome cab and let the wild beast take him off into the horizon while eating double-fried eggplant. (Thu, 11 Feb 2010 14:30:03 GMT)
Chad loves snow days that include studio time, snuggling dogs, sexy red heads, a bottle or two of wine and a full length mirror to admire one’s svelte naked self. (Wed, 10 Feb 2010 01:38:16 GMT)
Chad ran 16 miles through the snowy hills of Williamsburg while you lazy bastards ate spicy chicken fat and watched commercials. (Mon, 08 Feb 2010 03:08:35 GMT)
Chad dreamed that he and the wife were living in a shack and heard a ruckus in the disturbingly rusted out bathroom. When he entered he noticed that the vanity light had fallen into the wall, hopped onto the counter to pull it back and spotted an attic full of white bats. He pulled the light back into place just as they were trying to enter the room. (Sun, 07 Feb 2010 17:55:49 GMT)
Chad is excited to be a contributing member of cheeseburgerenterprises.tumblr.com. Go look and love. (Fri, 05 Feb 2010 18:09:08 GMT)
Chad hopes that Punxsutawney Phil gets groundhog leukemia while buried in his hole for those six weeks, rotten son of a bitch. (Tue, 02 Feb 2010 15:10:45 GMT)
Chad and his chubby chub are officially registered for the 2010 Chicago Marathon. Watch out you silly Second City bastards, the fat man is back and ready to piss in your alleys again. (Mon, 01 Feb 2010 17:01:02 GMT)
Chad and his beefy haunches are ready for the National Marathon in forty-eight days. He has only gone through three sticks of anti-chafe rub, four cases of energy gels and two “little people” (God rest their souls). (Mon, 01 Feb 2010 14:36:56 GMT)
Chad thinks that his status yesterday about JD Salinger was a bit too serious and would to announce the fact that JD Salinger drank his own urine out of an old Folger's can. (Fri, 29 Jan 2010 12:01:24 GMT)
Chad thinks that now JD Salinger is dead his daughter should publish everything that he has written since he lost his mind. Just think of the possibilities. (Thu, 28 Jan 2010 18:58:32 GMT)
Chad and the red head woman he lives with are leaving a mound of top shelf dog food on the kitchen floor this afternoon and will be in a third world Caribbean nation this time tomorrow. If someone wants three dogs and a renovated house in BFE feel free to swing by – the keys are under the doormat. (Thu, 28 Jan 2010 15:32:53 GMT)
Chad is suffering from a little PTSD after his run in with a large breasted homeless man who tried to put corn beef hash in his pockets while walking to work today. What about his pocket says,” Put your beef in here.” (Wed, 27 Jan 2010 18:06:57 GMT)
Chad is still a bit shaken over the giant spiders made of palm leaves that wove hemp rope webs on his hotel ceiling in his dream last night. To top it all off his dead great-aunt and uncle came into the room and were attacked by said spiders. (Tue, 26 Jan 2010 17:45:07 GMT)
Chad would like to know if he should fill Mary’s box with discarded pharmacy bottles from the late nineteenth century, rusted square nails, a loaf of sourdough or any combination of aforementioned goods. (Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:48:57 GMT)
Chad is sad to admit that Avatar in 3D was a great film. Bravo James Cameron you creepy, awkward albino. (Mon, 25 Jan 2010 02:44:51 GMT)
Chad doesn't know if he will last seven months without CoCo. (Sat, 23 Jan 2010 06:04:21 GMT)
Chad would like to welcome that sausage fingered dwarf named Danny Devito back - creepy bastard rides in a baby bjorn and beats him in the head with socks full of old clementines while he trains for the D.C. Marathon. That little fella almost made it impossible to run 10 miles tonight. (Fri, 22 Jan 2010 03:51:21 GMT)
Chad fell again on his way into work this morning. Luckily he has perfected the “curl into a ball” method of skidding out due to lazy ass people not salting their sidewalks. (Thu, 21 Jan 2010 14:00:25 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to skimming across the ice slick known as I-80 tonight after work. (Wed, 20 Jan 2010 14:56:33 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to one more flexeril induced day. (Sun, 17 Jan 2010 17:35:59 GMT)
Chad wants to know if he is a loser for being giddy about the tickets from Senator Harkin to tour the Capitol Building, possibly meeting him and going on a White House tour. (Fri, 15 Jan 2010 00:07:05 GMT)
Chad is looking for a sturdy three legged stool and a table to match for his Irishmen’s shanty. Sadly the women are scarce but luckily the whiskey is a plenty. (Thu, 14 Jan 2010 15:12:48 GMT)
Chad wishes that his dogs were able to speak in English accents instead of those stupid southern drawls. (Thu, 14 Jan 2010 02:42:57 GMT)
Chad is headed to the gym for a run and sniff (six miles on the track while cutting through the clouds of Avon stink the blue hairs douche in). (Wed, 13 Jan 2010 01:06:11 GMT)
Chad and his nipples are recovering from another AMAZING Allen Festivus. Stay tuned for an official debriefing. (Sun, 10 Jan 2010 18:42:36 GMT)
Chad is hiding in a snow drift that he fashioned into a tunnel fort so that he can sweep the neighbor lady’s feet out from under her when she passes by. (Fri, 08 Jan 2010 16:38:20 GMT)
Chad wants the lady who lives with him to drive extra careful on her way to work this afternoon. (Thu, 07 Jan 2010 19:31:05 GMT)
Chad has a snow day permagrin; except for the shoveling, Christmas decorations take-down and Festivus preparations. So much for sledding, boozing it up with Baileys and masturbating in front of a crackling fire. (Thu, 07 Jan 2010 16:14:00 GMT)
Chad has developed a feats of strength gauntlet the likes of which have never been seen for Saturday’s Festivus celebration. (Tue, 05 Jan 2010 14:30:07 GMT)
Chad would like to let the year twenty-ten in on a little secret, “You can be as shitty of a year as you would like and will still be better than that loser brother of yours, 2009” (Mon, 04 Jan 2010 14:43:05 GMT)
Chad already broke one of his resolutions; first thing this morning he found a pair of his dirty underwear under the driver’s seat of the Honda. Not a good way to bring in twenty-ten. (Fri, 01 Jan 2010 15:02:45 GMT)
Chad ’s resolutions for 2010: stop putting turkey necks through the zipper hole of his trousers, follow through with trying black tar heroin every time someone leaves disparaging remarks to his Facebook posts, stop leaving his dirty underwear underneath the driver’s seat, start masturbating in the privacy of his home rather than in public bathrooms and FINALLY ensure that Back Off Mustache! is even better in the new year. (Thu, 31 Dec 2009 19:18:29 GMT)
Chad chiseled frozen dog pee from the deck last night in preparation for the Festivus smokers. Nobody wants to slip on dog pee, nobody. (Wed, 30 Dec 2009 13:34:18 GMT)
Chad is investing in a Baby Björn to haul Lucile Vanderbilt in – then she may stop her incessant barking at the wind. (Tue, 29 Dec 2009 14:25:15 GMT)
Chad can barely handle lukewarm dishwater and wonders how in the hell grandmas can suds the dirties up in boiling water without screaming like a little girl. God bless grandma hands. (Mon, 28 Dec 2009 12:20:24 GMT)
Chad is preparing Allen House for Festivus by completing the first floor bathroom only seventeen months after gutting it. (Sun, 27 Dec 2009 23:58:25 GMT)
Chad is quite certain that with that last load of white on his shovel an o-ring was blown. (Sun, 27 Dec 2009 17:07:26 GMT)
Chad is happy that he left Santa a hooker and a glass of milk, the tree was crushed under the weight of gifts. Merry Christmas to all hookers, and to all hookers a good night. (Sat, 26 Dec 2009 01:17:11 GMT)
Chad left a glass of ice cold milk and a hooker named Hand job Hannah out for Santa tonight. (Fri, 25 Dec 2009 05:13:46 GMT)
Chad is feverishly salting the roof so that Santa’s big fat ass doesn’t slip and then try to sue Allen House for damages. (Thu, 24 Dec 2009 15:00:24 GMT)
Chad is greasing his Festivus pole, tossing a Hoover ball around to build strength and making a list of why you pissed him off this year. (Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:26:57 GMT)
Chad shouted,”Thank you!” to the Iowa City street department as he fell for the third time on his way into work. (Wed, 23 Dec 2009 14:22:41 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to the 333.5 miles left of training before he runs the longest self-guided tour of Washington, D.C. (Wed, 23 Dec 2009 03:03:34 GMT)
Chad is ready for some Christmas Day Chinese take-out. (Tue, 22 Dec 2009 12:07:47 GMT)
Chad feels a change in the space-time continuum – yes – a vagina in Ireland is receiving some extra attention. (Mon, 21 Dec 2009 13:23:01 GMT)
Chad baked a cheddar cheese apple pie last night wearing nothing but his assless chaps and a fezz. (Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:27:32 GMT)
Chad would like someone to explain to him why women wear perfume while they use the rec-center track? What smells are they exactly trying to cover up? Baked goods? Hamsalad? Havarti? Pork rinds? (Thu, 17 Dec 2009 20:24:51 GMT)
Chad gave the mailman a hernia today with the thirty pounds of Christmachannukwanzetivus cards and forty pounds of reindeer shit that he crammed into the big blue frog on the corner. (Wed, 16 Dec 2009 18:07:59 GMT)
Chad would like to think of Chris applying a fake mustache to her upper lip, hopping onto a supersized motorcycle and racing off into the sunset shouting, “See you later bitches.” You madam will be missed. (Tue, 15 Dec 2009 04:15:29 GMT)
Chad ran six miles at the Center for Obese Housewives Who Bathe in Cheap Avon Perfume, or as the locals call it – the Williamsburg Community Recreation Center. (Sun, 13 Dec 2009 23:15:51 GMT)
Chad spent most of yesterday so buzzed off of coffee and second hand smoke that he now feels like a midget hit him in the head with a mannequin leg and used a wet/dry vac in his mouth. (Sun, 13 Dec 2009 14:57:02 GMT)
Chad would like Mother Nature to know how much he loved his snow day with the wife, the hounds, the Wii, the beer, the leftover Chinese food and the hand-jobs. (Wed, 09 Dec 2009 23:51:30 GMT)
Chad is making out with Mother Nature, thanks bitch this is what we have been waiting for – SNOW DAY. (Wed, 09 Dec 2009 12:21:14 GMT)
Chad had to fight blue hairs at the supermarket last night for the last loaf of bread in Williamsburg, and if this is all Mother Nature can dish out she is a bigger pussy that he had originally thought. Let's go bitch, dump it heavy and dump it deep (Tue, 08 Dec 2009 11:43:43 GMT)
Chad hopes that Mother Nature does take a 16” dump on Iowa City over the next couple of days. (Mon, 07 Dec 2009 17:53:46 GMT)
Chad is officially an old man, went to bed at 1730 and woke up at 0500. (Mon, 07 Dec 2009 12:54:01 GMT)
Chad and Jack Fitzgerald Allen Kennedy Onassis tested the Under Armour Cold Gear body condom during their blistery run, needless to say Chad is sweatier than his usual self. (Sun, 06 Dec 2009 20:24:39 GMT)
Chad opened his new Under Armour cold gear and looks like a paunchy scuba diver on the hunt for a monster clam. (Fri, 04 Dec 2009 00:39:21 GMT)
Chad is in the mood for a stack of vintage Saturday Evening Post magazines and jumbo bottle of Johnsons and Johnson’s baby oil. (Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:43:26 GMT)
Chad enjoys nothing more than dipping his hand into the bosom of a chub to retrieve a Susan B. Anthony silver dollar while shouting, “Found everyone, no worries – I found it.” (Wed, 02 Dec 2009 14:05:52 GMT)
Chad is curious as to why the Salvation Army has stationed a bell ringer outside the Dollar General, it must be a withdrawal only kettle. (Tue, 01 Dec 2009 14:35:48 GMT)
Chad would like to announce that turkeys are not the only trotters today, and would like to give thanks for warm quilted tufts courtesy Charmin. (Thu, 26 Nov 2009 18:28:45 GMT)
Chad just finished shampooing the couch so that all of the Thanksgivings asses have a clean landing pad. (Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:40:23 GMT)
Chad would like all of his literate Facebook acquaintances to share his schoolgirl three day work week giddiness. (Tue, 24 Nov 2009 04:20:23 GMT)
Chad believes that Disney’s Christmas Carol staring Jim Carrey was the creepiest effing Christmas movie that he has ever experienced. Why in the name of Moses with roses would anyone think that a floppy jawless ghost with exposed tongue represents the holiday spirit? Thanks for the schizophrenic hallucinations Disney, you are the best. (Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:37:21 GMT)
Chad discovered his forgotten schematics for the Tampoon, that’s correct sir, a flotation device that doubles as leak protection. (Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:21:30 GMT)
Chad and his fat white ass officially begin training for the National Marathon in Washington, D.C. on 23 November. Steer clear of the obese asthmatic and his dumb golden retriever running the streets of Williamsburg, IA (Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:11:37 GMT)
Chad would like to thank the man that walked in front of him on the way to work this morning for hiking his pants to his nipples, sporting extra white tube socks with even whiter sneakers and walking like there was three pounds of excrement in the pouch. You sir made the day a happy one. P.S. He was not mentally handicapped you p.c. bastards. (Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:25:49 GMT)
Chad has finalized the Back Off Mustache! Pub Run Number Two t-shirt design for January. The only thing keeping you warm in the dead ass of winter is a mustache made from the hair of a Chinese baby and toxic adhesive. (Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:16:58 GMT)
Chad is happy that the Inaugural Back Off Mustache! Pub Run was a hit. Two of George’s cheeseburgers, one triple grilled-cheese and seven mustaches later all is well. (Sun, 15 Nov 2009 14:25:30 GMT)
Chad sees nothing but mustaches and toasted cheese sandwiches on the horizon. (Sat, 14 Nov 2009 14:34:39 GMT)
Chad is quite giddy concerning the Back Off Mustache! Inaugural Pub Run tomorrow night. Nothing says fun like mustaches on everyone. (Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:37:21 GMT)
Chad is looking at weekends for a Waterloo OG reunion. Any suggestions? (Thu, 12 Nov 2009 19:12:53 GMT)
Chad DO THIS NOW! 1) Scroll to the bottom of your Facebook page. 2) On the bottom left corner, click English: US. 3) When the language selection appears, click English: Pirate. (Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:19:22 GMT)
Chad is thankful for all of those protecting his right to be a crazy fuck who offends 95% of the population and disgusts the other 5%. (Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:22:10 GMT)
Chad picked up his new glasses this morning and cannot decide if he looks like Keith Olbermann when he switches out the black specs for the clear ones. (Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:24:42 GMT)
Chad would like to express his appreciation for Monday by holding its head in a bucket of Vaseline. (Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:14:32 GMT)
Chad is running on paint fumes, or is that the smell of his half dead ass telling him to crawl into bed with the redheaded lady who is always pawning at him? (Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:16:37 GMT)
Chad finally received funding to perform his study of what happens to chickens when released onto a frozen lake without the aid of traction cleats. (Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:30:22 GMT)
Chad is enjoying the banter being tossed between him and a hairy lipped woman at work who has a helmet looking coiffe atop her bubble head. (Thu, 05 Nov 2009 22:32:26 GMT)
Chad Dear Morgan Freeman, Your voice makes the back of my neck tingle with delight. Thank you for reading me articles from Art in America before bedtime, and then spooning with me until I fall asleep. Best,Chad Allen (Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:28:48 GMT)
Chad would like to know why old ladies even consider writing a check at the supermarket, knowing that it will take them thirteen minutes to fill it out and another two minutes to mark it in their ledger. (Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:57:41 GMT)
Chad is HAMSALAD (Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:28:00 GMT)
Chad You, a bunch of people we don't like and me at Rudy Tacos around 1900 and then the Lava Lounge this Saturday, be there you silly ass fool. (Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:53:39 GMT)
Chad is Hamsalad (Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:18:22 GMT)
Chad is loving this light savings enough to parade in the street with nothing more than a tube top and short shorts on. (Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:54:45 GMT)
Chad would like to make an announcement in Howard Cosell’s voice, “A fat man the likes of which many have seen will be running the National Marathon in Washington, D.C. on 20 March. Sports is human life in microcosm.” This quote is better than when Cosell said, “Look at that little monkey run!” (Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:11:21 GMT)
Chad would like to thank all that made this fifth year of marriage possible: former president George W Bush, Julia Childs’ hump, Sir Winston Woo's cheeseburger wrapper loving, arch support insoles, Lucile Vanderbilt's belly dragging carpet tricks, Morgan Freeman’s voice, homeless people of the Chicagoland area AND of course the lovely redhead that has shacked up with him through his fattest. P.S. She is a chubby chaser. (Thu, 29 Oct 2009 11:52:51 GMT)
Chad finally posted Disney photos in no particular order, with captions a bit behind. (Thu, 29 Oct 2009 02:05:20 GMT)
Chad was making squirrel sausage at home this evening when the whole process was ruined by a telephone call from the fat neighbor man, Mr. Jelly demanding to know where his cat was. (Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:08:03 GMT)
Chad is giddy at the thought of sitting in a baby pool filled with tapioca pudding sans pants. (Mon, 26 Oct 2009 11:10:47 GMT)
Chad enjoyed showing everyone the naked picture that Julie took of him on the secutriy camera in the kitchen. (Sun, 25 Oct 2009 17:18:33 GMT)
Chad is excited for the festivities to begin, wait - they already HAVE! (Sat, 24 Oct 2009 16:41:32 GMT)
Chad already hates life sans lesbian Irish woman and she hasn’t even left the country yet. Oh Papa Bear how you will be missed. Who will put up with thrice daily vulgar texts? (Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:30:24 GMT)
Chad wants to know what is wrong with standing on a neighbor’s deck while gazing in their sliding glass doors while they are eating dinner. It’s not like his pants were off or anything. (Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:40:24 GMT)
Chad and Jack Fitzgerald Allen Kennedy Onassis just completed 3.17 miles at an 8m32s pace without any injuries. Training has begun for the next marathon, now to select the right one; the IMS Arizona Marathon on 14 February, the Napa Valley Marathon on 7 March OR the Washington, D.C. Sun Trust Marathon on 20 March. Don’t forget the Dublin Marathon in October. Only 19 marathons to go until 17 August, 2020. (Wed, 21 Oct 2009 03:14:21 GMT)
Chad just served his first roast of the season to a lovely red head, and the drippings to the hounds and that homeless man that lives on our deck. (Tue, 20 Oct 2009 23:24:41 GMT)
Chad is telling his fat ass dogs about the half marathon that he ran today in Des Moines. Stupid dogs can't run more than four miles. (Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:03:22 GMT)
Chad wants to know how four good looking people cannot take a descent photo of themselves while enjoying a 1980’s Yahtzee! Party staple, Ruffles and French onion chip dip. (Sat, 17 Oct 2009 13:27:46 GMT)
Chad and his knees are doing well, and looking for a spring marathon. (Tue, 13 Oct 2009 11:46:17 GMT)
Chad woke up this morning feeling great, other than a little tightness in the knees – nothing that ibuprofen can’t fix. Is it possible that marathons make your man boobs smaller and your dong longer? (Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:03:57 GMT)
Chad finished his marathon in grsnd style and feels like a million fucking dollars. Bring on the next one in February! (Mon, 12 Oct 2009 01:28:11 GMT)
Chad is off to run a marathon. bitches. (Sun, 11 Oct 2009 10:21:25 GMT)
Chad is on his way to the 37th floor of Hotel 71 to run a couple of miles on a treadmill, then off to bed for panic dreams throughout the night about oversleeping for the Marathon. (Sat, 10 Oct 2009 03:30:22 GMT)
Chad would like to thank President Obama for stealing a bit of his thunder, now everyone will talk about the Nobel and not the chubby guy running the Chicago Marathon. (Fri, 09 Oct 2009 12:04:21 GMT)
Chad is ingesting 300 extra grams of carbohydrates and 125 grams of protein daily until Sunday, hopefully preventing any loss of life during the marathon this Sunday. (Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:16:17 GMT)
Chad and his man breasts only have five days until they cross the Chicago Marathon’s finish line. (Tue, 06 Oct 2009 04:20:37 GMT)
Chad knows that the IOC is a whole slough a fucking idiots. (Fri, 02 Oct 2009 15:26:29 GMT)
Chad is waiting for the IOC to announce Chicago as the 2016 hosts. (Fri, 02 Oct 2009 15:18:05 GMT)
Chad is excited to be an uncle for the third time. (Sun, 27 Sep 2009 16:52:20 GMT)
Chad successfully pulled a toilet without splashing a single droplet of shit water, no need for applause, just thanks that your next Allen House visit will be sans shit droplets. (Sat, 26 Sep 2009 13:03:09 GMT)
Chad would like to reiterate the fact that he is a handy fellow that does more than masturbate in his free time. This evening he will be pulling a toilet from the 2nd floor bathroom and installing two mini chandeliers above the vanity all while wearing nothing more than boots. (Fri, 25 Sep 2009 20:51:28 GMT)
Chad intentionally drove through a puddle to douche sidewalk fools. (Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:40:36 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to slapping the homeless with tuna filets this weekend. (Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:09:38 GMT)
Chad is watching fat people on TV while he eats a banana split and drinks Michelob Ultra. (Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:39:17 GMT)
Chad shuffled his fat ass through 20 miles of Williamsburg hills without needing the services of the volunteer fire department. (Mon, 21 Sep 2009 02:17:35 GMT)
Chad tossed a saddle on Jack Fitzgerald Kennedy Onassis Allen this morning, rode him into town and purchased flowers for Margot from a paraplegic midget named Rolph. (Sun, 20 Sep 2009 19:31:06 GMT)
Chad rolled from bed this morning with great joy knowing that his friend the sweater vest has returned. (Thu, 17 Sep 2009 14:03:29 GMT)
Chad would just like to point out that the whore was already dead when he found her while dumpster diving behind the Olive Garden. He could not leave a perfectly fresh alfredo covered whore to waste, so in the trunk she went. (Mon, 14 Sep 2009 11:54:35 GMT)
Chad just ran 18 miles and could eat the dead whore in his trunk. (Sun, 13 Sep 2009 19:31:46 GMT)
Chad Chad Allen was just handed the new campaign for Allen House from his guy at Sterling Cooper Advertising Agency, “Our Iowa doors are closing, but our Chicago doors are wide open.” (Fri, 11 Sep 2009 02:48:05 GMT)
Chad successfully escaped the hands of a cryogenically frozen Walt Disney with minimal brainwashing. (Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:29:46 GMT)
Chad is ready to give his jumbo baked potatoes perched atop his beach ball some much needed sun. (Tue, 01 Sep 2009 14:08:39 GMT)
Chad applied nearly thirty ounces of Body Glide anti-chafe balm on his armpits, genitals and nipples then successfully ran 17.35 miles of Williamsburg hills. (Mon, 31 Aug 2009 02:30:47 GMT)
Chad enjoyed yet another grand Chicago jaunt. (Sun, 30 Aug 2009 19:47:15 GMT)
Chad completed his first true rain run this evening, only 202.75 miles left until the Big Run. (Thu, 27 Aug 2009 02:44:48 GMT)
Chad has succumbed to the Iowa City lesbian craze and joined a roller derby league and needs help selecting a name for his jersey – either “Glad I Ate Her” or “Pat McRotch”. (Tue, 25 Aug 2009 14:37:38 GMT)
Chad would like to thank all of those that took time out of their day to wish him a happy 29th year of life. He hopes that everyone who didn’t take the time will get attacked by the neighbor lady who smells like moth balls and tuna fish sandwiches. (Tue, 18 Aug 2009 02:22:23 GMT)
Chad had a Groulxtastic weekend. (Mon, 17 Aug 2009 03:02:33 GMT)
Chad wants to know if they make Midol for calf muscles. (Wed, 12 Aug 2009 13:09:42 GMT)
Chad woke early enough this morning to spot the little man who plants weeds in his flower beds each night immediately releasing the hounds with an attack command. (Tue, 11 Aug 2009 12:39:21 GMT)
Chad is currently juggling kittens while humming Build Me Up Buttercup by the Temptations. (Mon, 10 Aug 2009 23:25:35 GMT)
Chad Just received a call from Jesus and he said that he supports nationalized healthcare because he wants even the meanest conservatives to live long and healthy lives. (Sun, 09 Aug 2009 19:57:29 GMT)
Chad is upset that summer has finally emerged from the swampy depths of Mephistopheles’ ass. He is not looking forward to the next six weeks of chaffing raw pain. (Sun, 09 Aug 2009 02:35:58 GMT)
Chad is gearing up for his 1/3 Marathon tomorrow morning and hopes that everyone is okay with him running in thong panties – he swears that he won’t wear them backwards this time around. (Fri, 07 Aug 2009 13:01:49 GMT)
Chad is happier than a monkey with a can of tuna about all of the donations received daily for his Chicago Marathon sponsor, only $360 to go. The first batch of thank you art will be hitting the post this weekend so keep an out. (Thu, 06 Aug 2009 19:15:22 GMT)
Chad thinks that it has been entirely too long since the last Allen Invasion of Minnesota and is looking forward to the twenty-ten excursion. (Tue, 04 Aug 2009 15:41:53 GMT)
Chad wants to know what he did to deserve the world’s worst neighbors. New people moved across the street and the lady of the house has already won the award for most passive aggressive neighbor on the block. (Tue, 04 Aug 2009 00:49:33 GMT)
Chad just completed calculations from his 6.58 mile run last night and found to his surprise that 15 seconds have been shaved off of his pace. That’s right bitches, Mootz is one speedy tub. (Mon, 03 Aug 2009 03:21:39 GMT)
Chad is heartbroken to hear that Keith can no longer make fun of Douche O’Reilly. What has this world come to when a man who performs unsolicited luffa loving is off limits? (Sun, 02 Aug 2009 05:35:02 GMT)
Chad thinks that Sir Winston Woo may or may not have eaten his pot cookie, either way his pupils are effing HUGE. (Sat, 01 Aug 2009 04:51:02 GMT)
Chad thinks that we should form a group that demands a birth certificate authenticating George Washington’s natural birth in Westmoreland County, Virginia. Without the certificate he is not a true American and should be reflected as such in history books acr (Fri, 31 Jul 2009 17:50:21 GMT)
Chad only has $575 left to raise for the charity that he is running the big race for, or $1.97 for every training mile that he has. Keep sending those checks, bitches. (Thu, 30 Jul 2009 04:28:42 GMT)
Chad failed to mention that while in Chicago he stayed at The James while Jack White was there with the rest of his new band. That’s right bitches, Chad and Margot rub drunken elbows with world class indie rockers. (Wed, 29 Jul 2009 17:34:26 GMT)
Chad misses Chicago, again. Margot - when are we moving? (Tue, 28 Jul 2009 23:32:47 GMT)
Chad drank too much at Wrigley Field and may have made an ass out of himself. (Tue, 28 Jul 2009 13:30:32 GMT)
Chad punched an old woman and tripped a chubby man while running up Brady Street hill in the Bix. After more than a half dozen altercations with people that should have been in physical therapy rather than running a race he finished with a strong ten minute mi (Sun, 26 Jul 2009 03:24:55 GMT)
Chad FYI: Facebook has agreed to let third party advertisers use your posted pictures without your permission. Click on "Settings" up at the top where you see the "Logout" link. Select "Privacy". Then select "News Feed and Wall". Next, select the tab that read (Fri, 24 Jul 2009 17:24:18 GMT)
Chad Shrinking man breasts, check. Taught thighs, check. An ass you could bounce quarters off, check. Enough sweat to drown a small dog, check. Compression pants stuffed with a grape fruit, check. A penis that gains one inch for every thirty-five pounds lost, (Thu, 23 Jul 2009 16:02:26 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to the Bix this weekend, seven miles of hills and hoards of sweaty bodies scrambling up them. Would he be held accountable if he were to slip and grab ass while falling? Only 322.81 miles until the big run. (Wed, 22 Jul 2009 17:08:38 GMT)
Chad would like to admit an addiction, an addiction to looking in people’s windows during his runs. No he is not a Peeping Tom rather a Galloping Glimpser. The 328.12 miles left of training should prove to be quite interesting. Glimpse Wish List: naked elder (Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:38:36 GMT)
Chad has officially reclaimed the space where his fat used to touch near the middle of his thighs. Do not get overly giddy, it still rubs together toward the upper thigh - it’s progress people. Only 338.14 miles until the big run giving him 86 days to lose t (Fri, 17 Jul 2009 03:26:40 GMT)
Chad is looking forward Julie spreading babaghanoush on his falafels tonight. Nothing better than a little Middle Eastern lovin’. (Thu, 16 Jul 2009 17:02:30 GMT)
Chad would like everyone to know that he posts his daily mileage countdown not because he thinks that you are the least bit interested, rather he is rubbing your fat face in it. By the way fatty, he only has 342.71 miles to go until the big run – and he is n (Wed, 15 Jul 2009 03:15:09 GMT)
Chad and his new manzier have only 349.05 miles until the big run. Hopefully the extra support will prevent any eye injuries. (Tue, 14 Jul 2009 03:03:09 GMT)
Chad is window shopping for a spandex body condom to wear in the big run, only 369.25 miles to go. He is wondering if he should go for the banana hammock look or with the catcher’s mitt support look. (Tue, 07 Jul 2009 03:14:55 GMT)
Chad wants to be in Chicago with the woman who lives with him. (Mon, 06 Jul 2009 00:08:19 GMT)
Chad will be departing for Chicago in T-Minus 4 hours and counting. (Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:36:57 GMT)
Chad has only 877.24 miles left until the big run and his thighs are no longer rubbing together like a cub scout's fire sticks. (Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:56:36 GMT)
Chad has only 881.25 miles left until the big run. Sadly all of the neighborhood children on are summer holiday, so he hired a crew from the retirement home to chase him on their Rascals while lobbing half-full colostomy bags his way. A much richer form a moti (Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:26:09 GMT)
Chad is searching for his missing flabby belly. Worry not, it is a friendly furry creature and comes to those who hymn the theme song to the popular 1970’s sitcom – The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Once captured please toss into the closest blue frog, postage is (Fri, 26 Jun 2009 20:59:46 GMT)
Chad has only 392.25 miles left until the big run, mostly due to the pee filled balloons. It worked, it really worked. (Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:45:57 GMT)
Chad has hired one of the neighborhood kids to ride their bike behind him while he runs tonight. He paid extra to have them yell obscenities while tossing pee filled balloons his way. Everyone needs a little motivation in life. (Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:11:42 GMT)
Chad is not feeling well at all. What is the deal with summer illness? (Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:30:42 GMT)
Chad has 396.25 miles left until the big run. (Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:39:46 GMT)
Chad has 401.25 miles left until the big run, and has to say for the record that Iowa heat waves suck it hard. (Tue, 23 Jun 2009 00:56:33 GMT)
Chad has 404.25 miles left until the big run, and would have run more if it were not for the fucking tornadoes. (Mon, 22 Jun 2009 01:44:25 GMT)
Chad has 406 miles left until the big run (Thu, 18 Jun 2009 01:19:41 GMT)
Chad has 410 miles left until the big run. (Wed, 17 Jun 2009 02:15:03 GMT)
Chad would like everyone to know that running has now consumed his life. The fat man with the nickname Mootz, for mootzerella ball breasts, has passed away. We hope that you come to love the smaller Chad just as much as you loved him fat. PostScript Fear not, (Mon, 15 Jun 2009 20:29:52 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to running the Chicago Marathon in October. (Sun, 14 Jun 2009 14:20:28 GMT)
Chad just ran 5 miles and is actually able to feel his breasts shrink. (Thu, 11 Jun 2009 02:00:40 GMT)
Chad just ran four miles and feels like a virile retiree in Boca. (Wed, 10 Jun 2009 01:35:13 GMT)
Chad thinks that he caught hen fever at the Runge Urban Farm. Look out Margot, the chicken and honey bees are on their way. (Mon, 08 Jun 2009 02:50:10 GMT)
Chad is saddened by the death of David Carradine, and now wonders who will play him in his kung-fu biopic. (Thu, 04 Jun 2009 14:24:34 GMT)
Chad wants nothing more than to indulge in a barrel of blue bell nectar while spooning with a grizzly bear wearing a fez. (Wed, 03 Jun 2009 14:51:28 GMT)
Chad is a bit concerned that the UIHC is starting to lay off employees this month. I may be posting an ad in July; Two spacious rooms for rent in Williamsburg, IA. (Tue, 02 Jun 2009 20:27:21 GMT)
Chad is proud to say that he planted even more perennials this evening. Allen House gardens now contain over two hundred-fifty different varieties of metaphyta. (Mon, 01 Jun 2009 01:50:50 GMT)
Chad had a splendid time last evening, just splendid. (Sun, 31 May 2009 16:23:38 GMT)
Chad just got back from watching THE Joel McHale live and in person! He is cooler than a scarecrow living with a band of Armenian gypsies. (Sat, 30 May 2009 04:13:54 GMT)
Chad just ran 3 miles; 1 with Sir Winston Woo and 2 with Jack Fitzgerald Allen Kennedy Onassis. (Thu, 28 May 2009 01:50:04 GMT)
Chad is researching the possibility of retiring the third quarter of FY2010. (Wed, 27 May 2009 16:21:08 GMT)
Chad is petitioning his senator to introduce the “Make Memorial Day a two day holiday in 2010” bill to congress. (Tue, 26 May 2009 15:40:14 GMT)
Chad lost eight pounds in two days from working in the yard. You too could lose the weight if you were to sweat for seven hours straight through the day. (Mon, 25 May 2009 02:33:41 GMT)
Chad is on grounds duty. (Sat, 23 May 2009 15:51:12 GMT)
Chad is thinking that it was stupid to come into work at 0630. So tired, want to touch the heiney. (Tue, 19 May 2009 12:34:56 GMT)
Chad failed to suit up in proper spelunking gear while traversing the hill in his back garden. As a result his right wrist is tender as your momma’s chicken. (Mon, 18 May 2009 14:43:08 GMT)
Chad has been named the Allen House Handyman of the Year. Thank you to the three dogs and red head who cast ballots. (Sat, 16 May 2009 21:14:22 GMT)
Chad and the red head who shares his bed slept ten and one half hours. (Sat, 16 May 2009 16:09:35 GMT)
Chad is hoping that his vet figures out what is wrong with baby Jack's eye. (Fri, 15 May 2009 16:07:12 GMT)
Chad finds that following through with commitments is a task that is rarely attainable. Please forward your “dirty rotten bastard” remarks his way. Thanks, Management (Thu, 14 May 2009 19:14:52 GMT)
Chad was douched by sideways rain last night. (Thu, 14 May 2009 15:44:56 GMT)
Chad is excited that rain has finally made its way to Allen House. (Tue, 12 May 2009 23:49:12 GMT)
Chad has never been so proud to be an Allen. A feeling based solely on Kimmie’s wedding celebration. ¡Viva la Wild Thing! (Mon, 11 May 2009 16:02:49 GMT)
Chad is ready for a Mother's Day weekend wedding. Omaha here we come. (Fri, 08 May 2009 15:41:16 GMT)
Chad was prescribed a sedative to alleviate facebook envy induced anxiety. (Thu, 07 May 2009 18:53:47 GMT)
Chad will dig holes at 1230. (Fri, 01 May 2009 13:07:29 GMT)
Chad is excited to hear about the advances in swine technology. Damn dirty H1-N1. (Thu, 30 Apr 2009 21:19:00 GMT)
Chad is ready to start placing fence posts on the fat man's property line. (Thu, 30 Apr 2009 13:10:16 GMT)
Chad is perturbed with his obese neighbor who requested that he move the hostas that were planted over the weekend. Now he has to hire a surveyor to retrace his property lines and prove the chub wrong. (Wed, 29 Apr 2009 14:22:57 GMT)
Chad is on the verge of bitch slapping Excel. (Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:18:14 GMT)
Chad would appreciate whoever is sewing all of the weed seeds in his flower beds to immediately cease and desist. (Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:22:03 GMT)
Chad planted enough hostas yesterday to choke a llama in heat. (Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:53:04 GMT)
Chad thinks that world is a sad place without Bea Arthur's cock. (Sun, 26 Apr 2009 04:20:44 GMT)
Chad There once was an Irish shanty, where women were scarce and the whiskey was plenty. A three legged stool and a table to match with a door that opened and closed with a latch. (Sat, 25 Apr 2009 18:17:47 GMT)
Chad woke up in Grundy Center four and one half hours past his usual wake-up time. (Sat, 25 Apr 2009 17:51:34 GMT)
Chad would like to know how much water it would take to board him. Once boarded, what information would he spill before being boarded again? (Thu, 23 Apr 2009 14:02:21 GMT)
Chad is trying to develop a studio in the Orange Room, but the damn squatters won’t leave no matter how many times they are hit with a broom handle. (Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:23:24 GMT)
Chad was astonished at the amount of wine and beer bottles in his recycling bin this week. He hopes that all of those homeless fellas roaming the streets of Williamsburg will thank him by brushing their teeth. (Tue, 21 Apr 2009 13:00:03 GMT)
Chad is wondering why Jack has loose stool. (Mon, 20 Apr 2009 12:56:29 GMT)
Chad thinks that Oliver may have been the first to beat Jack in a cutest baby contest. (Sun, 19 Apr 2009 02:06:46 GMT)
Chad and his bride spent the evening drinking beer on the front porch with the three hounds. (Sat, 18 Apr 2009 02:04:57 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to city wide garage sales in Williamsburg this weekend. There is nothing better than buying other peoples’ useless junk and elbowing fat ladies for the good stuff. (Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:55:01 GMT)
Chad is fashioning a scooner out of empty Diet Coke bottles and will soon be off to bag some pirates near the coast of Somalia. (Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:55:46 GMT)
Chad enjoys the cat calls from construction workers during his nightly runs while wearing a tube top and cut-off jean shorts. (Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:16:07 GMT)
Chad is buying a pellet gun this afternoon to thin out the neighborhood feral clowder. (Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:45:55 GMT)
Chad is developing a backup plan that consists of two strawberry rhubarb jam jars, three Susan B. Anthony silver dollars, a wad of steal wool and a whole lot of safety pins. (Mon, 13 Apr 2009 21:02:00 GMT)
Chad is suffering from ham withdrawals, and is trying to choke down a rocks glass spilling over with gravy. Hurray Easter. (Mon, 13 Apr 2009 00:47:58 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to watching everyone eat his ham tomorrow. (Sun, 12 Apr 2009 01:27:12 GMT)
Chad just finished a jog with Sir Winston Woo, and he kept up the whole way. His rotund middle section is all a ruse. (Sat, 11 Apr 2009 01:37:45 GMT)
Chad wishes all of you rotten heathen bastards a good Good Friday full of joy and hard boiled dyed eggs. (Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:54:05 GMT)
Chad is running again. Let the flubber fly. (Fri, 10 Apr 2009 03:08:26 GMT)
Chad wishes that the going rate for dog feces were $50/lb. so that he could retire next year. Three hounds equals a whole ton of duke. (Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:12:46 GMT)
Chad just discovered that as of today he is the son of an elderly man. Happy birthday Leo, be sure to increase your life insurance policy now that you are one step closer to kicking that bucket. (Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:14:01 GMT)
Chad heard that Houston is going to have their asses spanked tonight. (Mon, 06 Apr 2009 15:04:10 GMT)
Chad still cannot believe that he built a double gate on the front porch to keep all hounds at bay. (Mon, 06 Apr 2009 01:06:42 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to shoveling snow tomorrow, hurray for bipolar mother nature. (Sat, 04 Apr 2009 15:40:20 GMT)
Chad is excited that his dad’s marriage will finally be recognized by the state of Iowa. (Fri, 03 Apr 2009 19:34:16 GMT)
Chad is excited to attend Kris and Ro's wedding. (Fri, 03 Apr 2009 17:09:27 GMT)
Chad shaved his head in belated vernal equinox celebration. (Thu, 02 Apr 2009 14:55:39 GMT)
Chad was running late with the commute this morning and feels bad for not stopping to make sure the cat he hit was okay. (Wed, 01 Apr 2009 14:58:40 GMT)
Chad just purged 16 friends – spring cleaning sister, you should try it. (Tue, 31 Mar 2009 18:55:58 GMT)
Chad is excited to eat lunch outside with his red head sex kitten and baby monkey dog. (Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:57:31 GMT)
Chad is tossing a few back wondering why in the hell mother nature is such a bipolar bitch. (Sun, 29 Mar 2009 02:24:33 GMT)
Chad JERRY: Catnap? KRAMER: No, no, no, no. This is evolutionary. I been reading this book, on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci', d'you know that? JERRY: (deadpan) That must be some book. KRAMER: Yeah, well, turns out that the master slept only t (Sat, 28 Mar 2009 13:36:01 GMT)
Chad now knows what Kramer felt like during his cat nap episode; sleep two hours, take a puppy out, sleep two hours, take a puppy out, sleep two hours, take the puppy out. (Sat, 28 Mar 2009 13:35:04 GMT)
Chad is watching his three monkey dogs take naps. Lucky little bastards. (Fri, 27 Mar 2009 19:01:16 GMT)
Chad drugged Julie and forced her to sign a check for a new monkey dog named Jack. (Fri, 27 Mar 2009 02:23:16 GMT)
Chad and Julie just bought three brand new copies of F C Ware’s Acme Novelty Library at $4.98 each and has them listed on Amazon for $135. You have got to love hospital book sales. (Thu, 26 Mar 2009 17:39:54 GMT)
Chad wants to know if dark matter tastes like pecan pie. (Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:23:23 GMT)
Chad wants to know if he is the only person who hates the sound of birds in the wee hours of the morn. (Tue, 24 Mar 2009 11:38:33 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to converting the Orange Room into a studio this week. It's time to redirect the insanity. (Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:47:58 GMT)
Chad just pulled a wad of lint from his belly button and is using it as kindling, you know - fire starter. (Sun, 22 Mar 2009 14:35:12 GMT)
Chad and Julie are watching the Cubbies spank the Sox (Sat, 21 Mar 2009 23:18:54 GMT)
Chad is celebrating the inaugural lighting of the charcoal, thank you Prometheus. (Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:48:45 GMT)
Chad opened every window in the house and is chasing the winter monkeys from the house. (Sat, 21 Mar 2009 16:42:05 GMT)
Chad is worried that his bulbs are a bit waterlogged, stunting any growth. (Fri, 20 Mar 2009 15:33:19 GMT)
Chad wants to know what this madness about March is. Why all the fuss over an orange rubber ball? (Thu, 19 Mar 2009 18:27:11 GMT)
Chad wants to be at the Ben Folds concert right now. (Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:46:41 GMT)
Chad enjoyed every drop of his Smithwick's, double fried fish and chips last night. (Wed, 18 Mar 2009 13:49:37 GMT)
Chad says, “Oh luck of the Irish, I found a leprechaun in my pants this morning.” (Tue, 17 Mar 2009 13:46:50 GMT)
Chad wants to live in a world where his cold shower obsession is accepted by all. (Tue, 17 Mar 2009 10:29:32 GMT)
Chad is so excited to try out his new dental floss after having a corn seed stuck in his molar for three years. (Sun, 15 Mar 2009 22:30:52 GMT)
Chad found a golden coffee basket for $2 at the winery, no more crappy paper filters. (Sun, 15 Mar 2009 00:28:28 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to buying coffee filters. (Sat, 14 Mar 2009 14:15:19 GMT)
Chad wants to train his hippopotamus to grind beans and make coffee in the morning. (Thu, 12 Mar 2009 11:38:31 GMT)
Chad wants the gnomes in his head to quit hammering away. (Wed, 11 Mar 2009 20:26:09 GMT)
Chad cannot find his clogs, if anyone finds them I will reimburse for next day air. (Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:31:26 GMT)
Chad is looking forward to having his seamstress sew him a custom cod piece this weekend. (Mon, 09 Mar 2009 21:11:36 GMT)
Chad misses the stink of Chicago. (Mon, 09 Mar 2009 16:21:43 GMT)
Chad wants Mark spelled with a “k” to know that he wants see his show. (Fri, 06 Mar 2009 17:05:34 GMT)
Chad heard it's supposed to be sixty out today and is wearing his cutt-off jean shorts to work. (Thu, 05 Mar 2009 13:07:02 GMT)
Chad wants the folks at McDonald's to spill hot coffee on his crotch. Jackpot. (Wed, 04 Mar 2009 12:26:45 GMT)
Chad wants to eat a gallon of pickled eggs and feel great in the morning. (Wed, 04 Mar 2009 04:22:15 GMT)
Chad is skimming through life at ramming speed. (Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:27:01 GMT)
Chad wants to saddled up a Shetland pony and ride it through the town square wearing nothing but red cowboy boots. (Mon, 02 Mar 2009 16:09:54 GMT)
Chad is ready for his Sunday afternoon nap. (Sun, 01 Mar 2009 16:08:22 GMT)
Chad wants to know what it's like to hunt wildebeests with lawn darts. (Thu, 26 Feb 2009 15:22:37 GMT)
Chad is accepting resumes for the position of Personal Assistant to keep him on task and prepare vegetarian patty melts served with jalapeños. (Tue, 24 Feb 2009 21:34:04 GMT)
Chad wants to thank all those who did not attend the EOS film screening, leaving more popcorn and tater tots for the rest of us. See you in April, hosers. (Mon, 23 Feb 2009 14:32:01 GMT)
Chad says that Morgan Freeman is tops. (Sat, 21 Feb 2009 22:16:29 GMT)
Chad is upping his meds in preparation for the Esoteric Opossum Society film screening of Holy Mountain. Put your crazy hats on and we will see you tomorrow evening (Fri, 20 Feb 2009 21:10:34 GMT)
Chad is nannerpuss, nannerpuss. (Fri, 20 Feb 2009 05:50:01 GMT)
Chad is wondering why he and the wife didn’t buy a house that was three times what they could afford, and then have the loan wiped out. I am ashamed of my party. (Fri, 20 Feb 2009 05:00:14 GMT)
Chad should stop drinking hand sanitizer and stick to the gin. (Thu, 19 Feb 2009 18:30:38 GMT)
Chad is should stop drinking hand sanitizer and stick to the gin. (Thu, 19 Feb 2009 18:21:40 GMT)
Chad overheard Julie talking about vasectomies on the phone. I sure hope that she was talking about removing Winston’s other testicle now that we can afford it. (Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:13:48 GMT)
Chad is spooning with the drifter that has been living under the veranda. Julie said that we could keep him, so we named him Sparkles. (Mon, 16 Feb 2009 04:44:11 GMT)
Chad is celebrating St. Valentine’s Day feeding all the out-of-work cherubs in the city, damn this recession. (Sat, 14 Feb 2009 18:01:17 GMT)
Chad loves the Daily Beast more than his own children. (Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:36:48 GMT)
Chad just watched
