A Rooster, a Fat Man and Two Hounds Walk into a Brothel

I broke my two-lane pact with the EPA to ensure a timely arrival at the Rooster and Hen's Compound. As I pulled into the gated bluff top fortress I spotted the nearly seven foot tall graying Ginger chopping wood faster than any Chattahoochee River beaver. The second my clod hit the pavement Rooster shot out a hoot, a holler and a big, "Chaddy Baby!" Hugs with proper crotch proximity were exchanged before we headed toward the first of five Rooster approved attractions. To offset my carbon footprint I hitched the old ATM to the hounds and had them pull us through the bluffs.

Not only is Rooster one of the funniest some bitches that ever shot shit, he has a gunny sack filled with historical gems specialized in Lewis and Clark mixed with the West. Just a hare under four miles from the safety of the Compound is the Lewis and Clark Monument Park. Nestled at the end of a winding hilltop lane are two semicircular monoliths etched with crisp text on the front and a swell relief on the reverse depicting Louie and Clarkster's introduction to the Otoe and Missouria Indians.

Are you still looking at those chunks of rock? Turn around Sally and fix those peepers on the Missouri River technicolor panorama behind you. I suggest standing next to the Rooster and having him describe points of interest: remnants of ravaging flood waters, a still submerged Lakeview Park, Eppley Airfield, Omaha's skyline, Union Pacific (UP) Rail Yard and a few horned owls.

Council Bluffs' love affair with UP is so steamy that they have conceived a museum with one another in an old Carnegie library. Two stories crammed full of goods that would make the Ames' brothers happier than the foreman of a freshly completed rail tunnel through the Rockies. More on the Ames' brothers and their pyramid in the middle of a Wyoming wasteland next week.

I only snapped two pics at the UP Museum, both of which would make the curator a bit pissy. Image UPM no.1 is of a ticket window with a sign taped to the security grate, "OUR TICKET AGENT WAS STRUCK BY LIGHTNING AND IS HOSPITALIZED, WE HOPE TO GET HIM BACK SOON." Image UPM no.2 is of Bob Hope having a white ribbon pulled from his ass by a Hollywood starlet. Both items made the UP Museum well worth the free admission. Well, Rooster's commentary made every hilarious minute worth the price.

Image UPM no.1

Image UPM no.2

Council Bluffs' decommissioned rotary county jail with the killer moniker of Squirrel Cage is an acorn toss away from the UPM. The three story cylinder would rotate until the needed cell lined up with the jailer's platform. When the Rooster and I peaked our heads through the door a nice woman leaned from her office chair and asked if we would like to tour the jail. We gave an enthusiastic YES. She replied with, "That will be $14." After pushing my eyes back into their sockets and picking up my jaw we returned with a, "No thank you," while exiting the building. The Rooster and I agreed that for the $14 admission we surely would have received at the very least a handjob.

As we tooled around the bluffs four terrible images tore their way into the Rooster's brain and luckily for us all of them reside on the 24th Street Bridge above I-80. Odyssey is a $3.5 million tetraptych which was designed under the guise of welcoming travelers to Council Bluffs.

The only thing that these four atrocities succeed at is creating a sense of confusion, an air of negativity and misleading Midwesterners into thinking that all public art is shit.

Our final stop was at Omaha's famed Lauritzen Gardens to experience a magical land filled with model trains that zip between miniature specimen trees. Sadly this attraction forced me to break my one and only Operation Decompression rule; I PAID $7.

Each of the 100 acres are as manicured as the finest of a green thumbed OCD sufferer. A low flying crop duster must have been loaded with work by Omaha based artist Jun Kaneko, the remnants of a Berlin style airlift were left throughout in the form of bronze heads and Dangos (jumbo ceramic pieces). The sculptures compliment their surroundings in a wonderful "One of these these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong" type of way.

UP loves to create attractions with their logos plastered on every surface. If they didn't pour wheelbarrows of cash into them it would be annoying. In comparison the immense size of the gardens this postage stamp attraction was by far the most amazing. The Rooster and I could have spent the rest of the day watching the trains and trolleys zip through the trees past replicas of famous Omahanian landmarks of past and present.

Every structure is constructed of sticks, twigs, branches, twist ties and other natural materials.

If you were to say that these amazing models weren't amazing you would be a damn liar. The only thing missing was my blue and white striped conductor hat. Rooster let me sit on his shoulders to get this shot up in the trees.

Our final vignette contained a replica of the Japanese Sunpu Castle Gate and of Mt. Fuji. Since my rotund chub will likely never climb the real Fuji, I scurried up this mound of earth while the Rooster stood guard at its foot to keep watch and make a crow call when the fuzz approached.

This will be the last post for this week since the two-lanes are calling. I plan on returning next week with more goods for your pleasure.